After yesterday outing (9 March) with Michelle, Esther, Jing Yin, Marcus, Junho, Chloe, Lilo, Blurry, and Vic, I'm feeling much better. I didn't think so much of it.
Since Esther and Jing Yin ride in my car, I can't stop laughing with till we in the the KTM, LRT, in Michelle car, at Daorae, at 1 Utama, in the cinema, and in Jun's car. Yesterday I really had a great laugh especially in the cinema when we (me, Esther, Jing Yin, Marcus, and Junho) watched "Love Matters". I really laughed my heart out for the 2 hours in there.
I'm a person who does not like to show my unhappy face to people or at least I will try to act cool or just nothing without any smile. That's why I'm too secretive. I like to hide my true feelings.
Anyway, I won't think too much about it anymore. I still need to live my life. I don't want to get depress and later on kill myself like what the korean actress did. What a pity. Now, what I need is to release those damn thing out like what I did yesterday, laugh all day!!! Laugh away my pain, my unhappiness.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Too Secretive???
Just like the post title: Too Secretive???
I'm asking myself this for many many times. But the answers is always "YES". Yes, I'm a secretive person because to me, it's really hard for me to open up myself to people because I'm scared that in the end I will get hurt. This really happen a lot to me.
There's this incident happen to me on my birthday. Yeah!! It's on my birthday. I've got beaten up like hell by my mom because of the misunderstanding. She don't even understand me. She never think of what I'm facing, feels and all those. For the first time in history, I called my dad. When I heard his voice, I directly break down. I can't stopped crying. I try to explain all those misunderstanding things to him in between my tears. I can't even talk properly. He keep asking me to calm down, talk properly but I can't. He ask me to hung up first and will call back later. By the time he calls back, I've already calm down but I start to cry again. This time I manage to explain to him. He say that I'm too secretive. I always hide myself in my room. Don't want to tell anything to them. I just can't tell them anything because I know they will object. How to tell them when I already know the result?? However, this won't last long and now we're back to normal. Normal means they still don't understand me.
Then, in friendship. I really heart break with this. I always feels it. I feel that I don't have friends. In terms of close friend. After I rethink about this matter again, suddenly I remember my post in my friendster's blog. So, I will be copying the whole thing to here because I lazy to write the whole thing again because it's the same thing. Same thing I wanna post now with about 6 months ago.
From Friendster's Blog. Date August 6, 2008
I’M TIRED. I’M DAMN DARN TIRED!!!!!!
I HATE TO FOLLOW OTHER PPL’S FLOW. I HATE TO GET BLAMED. I HATE BEING ACCUSED. I HATE BEING HATE!!!!!
I DUNNO WAT’S GOING ON WITH MY LIFE. FOR 21 YEARS OF LIVING IN THIS SO CALLED PLANET EARTH, I’M SUFFERING. HAD ANYONE NOTICE THIS?? NO RITE. NOT EVEN MY OWN FAMILY MEMBERS. THEY JUST DUNNO ANYTHING BECOZ ALL THIS WHILE I KEEP IT TO MYSELF. AND NOW I’M DARN HURT.
MY LIFE IS BEING FATED WITH NO CLOSE FRIENDS. WAT THE HECK!! WAT THE HECK WITH THIS?? I’M NOT GREEDY AT ALL. I JUST WAN 1 CLOSE FRIEND WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ME, SOMEONE I CAN TALK MY HEART OUT N SOMEONE I TRUST. IS IT I’M WRONG??
U KNOW. SOMETIMES I REALLY JEALOUS OF OTHER PPL. THEY GOT PPL TO CELEBRATE BIRTHDAY WITH AND MANY SURPRISES. WAT I’VE GOT?? I’M TIRED OF GETTING PPL’S ATTENTION. I’M TIRED OF IT N I’M SICK OF IT.
I HAD SOME NITES CRYING WHEN I THINK OF WHY I’VE GOT NO TRUE FRIENDS. IS IT I’M TOO UGLY. IS IT I’M A MONSTER THT’S Y NO PPL WAN TO BE FRIEND WITH ME. EVEN WHEN I’M WRITING THIS SHIT OUT I’M CRYING. LAST TIME I GOT A GAL WHO DIRECTLY REJECT TO BE MY FRIEND. HAH! SHE’S THE 1ST PERSON I KNOW WHEN I GET INTO PRIMARY SCHOOL AND SHE TOLD ME THT AFTER A FEW MONTHS. SO, I’M THT SCARY HUH?
THIS ALL REALLY BREAKS MY HEART. I ADY CAN’T ENDURE IT. I HATE TO GO GET ATTENTION FROM PPL HOPING THT THEY NOTICE THT I DO EXIST. I’M TIRED OF IT. I’M SICK OF IT. WHY MUST I BE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS WANNA GO GET THE ATTENTION?? CAN’T THEY JUST NOTICE ME AND CARE FOR ME??? AM I ASKING TOO MUCH???
I DON’T CARE ANYMORE. I DUN WAN TO DO THIS TIRING STUFF WHICH HURTS ME FOR 21 YEARS. SO WAT?? NO FRENS "ZAO" NO FRENS LA. I DUN CARE ADY. I’M SICK OF IT. I’M DARN SICK OT IT.
That's the freaking post I blogged 6 months ago. This year, however, I've got my first birthday surprises from my friend who we knew for 4 years. I really thank her for giving me that surprises. That FIRST surprise happen in my life.
Other than that, I don't think I belong to this world. All I want is just to have the feel of belongingness. Feels that I'm belong to this society, to this world, to this planet. Is it I'm asking too much??? If I can't even find 1 person who is true to me, close with me and understands me, I think I won't be too secretive anymore because this person will understands me inside out. But this person just don't exist.
Am I lonely?? Yeah. I am lonely. But what can I do? Nobody understands me because I'm too secretive. THAT'S BULLSHIT!!! People can understands me even if I'm too secretive because only true friends will never take that as excuses. They will understand me no matter what, whether I'm secretive or not.
I really sick of this damn matter.
I'm asking myself this for many many times. But the answers is always "YES". Yes, I'm a secretive person because to me, it's really hard for me to open up myself to people because I'm scared that in the end I will get hurt. This really happen a lot to me.
There's this incident happen to me on my birthday. Yeah!! It's on my birthday. I've got beaten up like hell by my mom because of the misunderstanding. She don't even understand me. She never think of what I'm facing, feels and all those. For the first time in history, I called my dad. When I heard his voice, I directly break down. I can't stopped crying. I try to explain all those misunderstanding things to him in between my tears. I can't even talk properly. He keep asking me to calm down, talk properly but I can't. He ask me to hung up first and will call back later. By the time he calls back, I've already calm down but I start to cry again. This time I manage to explain to him. He say that I'm too secretive. I always hide myself in my room. Don't want to tell anything to them. I just can't tell them anything because I know they will object. How to tell them when I already know the result?? However, this won't last long and now we're back to normal. Normal means they still don't understand me.
Then, in friendship. I really heart break with this. I always feels it. I feel that I don't have friends. In terms of close friend. After I rethink about this matter again, suddenly I remember my post in my friendster's blog. So, I will be copying the whole thing to here because I lazy to write the whole thing again because it's the same thing. Same thing I wanna post now with about 6 months ago.
From Friendster's Blog. Date August 6, 2008
I’M TIRED. I’M DAMN DARN TIRED!!!!!!
I HATE TO FOLLOW OTHER PPL’S FLOW. I HATE TO GET BLAMED. I HATE BEING ACCUSED. I HATE BEING HATE!!!!!
I DUNNO WAT’S GOING ON WITH MY LIFE. FOR 21 YEARS OF LIVING IN THIS SO CALLED PLANET EARTH, I’M SUFFERING. HAD ANYONE NOTICE THIS?? NO RITE. NOT EVEN MY OWN FAMILY MEMBERS. THEY JUST DUNNO ANYTHING BECOZ ALL THIS WHILE I KEEP IT TO MYSELF. AND NOW I’M DARN HURT.
MY LIFE IS BEING FATED WITH NO CLOSE FRIENDS. WAT THE HECK!! WAT THE HECK WITH THIS?? I’M NOT GREEDY AT ALL. I JUST WAN 1 CLOSE FRIEND WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ME, SOMEONE I CAN TALK MY HEART OUT N SOMEONE I TRUST. IS IT I’M WRONG??
U KNOW. SOMETIMES I REALLY JEALOUS OF OTHER PPL. THEY GOT PPL TO CELEBRATE BIRTHDAY WITH AND MANY SURPRISES. WAT I’VE GOT?? I’M TIRED OF GETTING PPL’S ATTENTION. I’M TIRED OF IT N I’M SICK OF IT.
I HAD SOME NITES CRYING WHEN I THINK OF WHY I’VE GOT NO TRUE FRIENDS. IS IT I’M TOO UGLY. IS IT I’M A MONSTER THT’S Y NO PPL WAN TO BE FRIEND WITH ME. EVEN WHEN I’M WRITING THIS SHIT OUT I’M CRYING. LAST TIME I GOT A GAL WHO DIRECTLY REJECT TO BE MY FRIEND. HAH! SHE’S THE 1ST PERSON I KNOW WHEN I GET INTO PRIMARY SCHOOL AND SHE TOLD ME THT AFTER A FEW MONTHS. SO, I’M THT SCARY HUH?
THIS ALL REALLY BREAKS MY HEART. I ADY CAN’T ENDURE IT. I HATE TO GO GET ATTENTION FROM PPL HOPING THT THEY NOTICE THT I DO EXIST. I’M TIRED OF IT. I’M SICK OF IT. WHY MUST I BE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS WANNA GO GET THE ATTENTION?? CAN’T THEY JUST NOTICE ME AND CARE FOR ME??? AM I ASKING TOO MUCH???
I DON’T CARE ANYMORE. I DUN WAN TO DO THIS TIRING STUFF WHICH HURTS ME FOR 21 YEARS. SO WAT?? NO FRENS "ZAO" NO FRENS LA. I DUN CARE ADY. I’M SICK OF IT. I’M DARN SICK OT IT.
That's the freaking post I blogged 6 months ago. This year, however, I've got my first birthday surprises from my friend who we knew for 4 years. I really thank her for giving me that surprises. That FIRST surprise happen in my life.
Other than that, I don't think I belong to this world. All I want is just to have the feel of belongingness. Feels that I'm belong to this society, to this world, to this planet. Is it I'm asking too much??? If I can't even find 1 person who is true to me, close with me and understands me, I think I won't be too secretive anymore because this person will understands me inside out. But this person just don't exist.
Am I lonely?? Yeah. I am lonely. But what can I do? Nobody understands me because I'm too secretive. THAT'S BULLSHIT!!! People can understands me even if I'm too secretive because only true friends will never take that as excuses. They will understand me no matter what, whether I'm secretive or not.
I really sick of this damn matter.
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